You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
