The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
