I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
