seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
