You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
