If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
