So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
