Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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