Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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