There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
That's when you crack a 10am beer
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Randomize
