$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
