well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize