What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
