so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
