I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
