i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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