My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i wish my penis had a tongue
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
