The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
