I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
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The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
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I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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