Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
two words: eviction party
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
