what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
how do flat chested girls get laid?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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