Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
