y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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