drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I AM VODKA MAN
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
