my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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