I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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