shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
