I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
