I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
