Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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