She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Randomize
