Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
this will be a night to untag.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
