All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
