I like to think it a success when the cops are called
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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