when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
