he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
