Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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