Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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