Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
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