Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
