**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
