im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
