absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
This toilet bowl is my home.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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