he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
She told me I should be a condom model.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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