i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
