Yo dont text me then not text me
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
