Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
