he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
