yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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