We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
