I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
