I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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