Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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