Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
