i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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