Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize